Let me tell you one thing. Summer has been too long. i feel very depressed like i am messing up somehow and I feel like I want to cry. I feel like if I don't try so hard that I'll lose someone very very veryyyy speacial to me. He says don't try so hard stop questionoing yourself everything will be fine. But when i get home i find myself screaming inside. like..whyyy did i say that or i am destroying something. goddd why am i such a dick???? We watched the virgin suicides and laid together. And with him I feel so happy....just so complete. if i ever lost him i would fall apart completely. Life scares me.


There was a boy
frail and small in my mind
brown hair in his face
 he was a littlle satelite in
ate sugar cones and cried
nothing hurt so much
as falling in love with stars
and then watching them fall
 he sat there all alone wishing
some one would pass by.
on and on it rained splashing
his tears and melting his tears.
He could not compose his fears.
Dying of an emotional cancer,
he sat there in the rain of 
music played and played as
he hit the keys. so sad and 
beautiful with melancholy residue.
the boy looked past his eyes
and looked into a blue looking glass.
he looked through them and felt 
that he could fly.

You are the moon/ the hush sound

Shadows all around you as you surface from the dark
Emerging from the gentle grip of night's unfolding arms
Darkness, darkness everywhere, do you feel all alone?
The subtle grace of gravity, the heavy weight of stone

You don't see what you possess, a beauty calm and slear
It floods the sky and blurs the darkness like a chandelier
All the light that you possess is skewed by lakes and seas
The shattered surface, so imperfect, is all that you believe

I will bring a mirror, so silver, so exact
So precise and so pristine, a perfect pane of glass
I will set the mirror up to face the blackened sky
So you can see your beauty every morning that you rise

Journal Entry

Back in my kitchen again. got to get therough another week. in exactly a week, we will be in cape cod. plan for this week....sunday (today) do nothing, Monday go to work (gag) Tuesday go to work (yawn) Wednesday, tHursday and friday, go to work and see Zack.  saturday ? and Sunday go to cape cod with Zack. for a whole week. so thats this week. i dont think that i will be able to (or want to) get to a computer on the cape. i will be blog free for a week. and work free. and mom and marcus free. so yay. sorry i havent been writing much of my story., ive been working and seeing zack as much as possible this past week. only 5 more days left of work yay!
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violet scars a small part of the sequel to the Gerard story

Violet Scars (copyrighted by Ethan Woods so dont steal)

The hospital bed he lay in was soiled with dirt from his hair and his clothes. tHe hospital gown was dirty because they had not yet cleaned him. He knew none of this. He lay oblivious to the world. As he lay there, he dreamed. He dreamed of sunsets and of empty piers and sometimes people. and he saw himself as he always was. he was 5' 7 and slim. He had a very beautiful face; extremely pale and fair like porcelain, he had a small short pointed nose, hazel eyes, black eyebrows, a small knowing mouth and long black hair an inch or two past chin length and little ears that were hidden by it. he wore dark clothes and converse sneakers or none at all. His name was Gerard Robinson. and he was in a coma. although he himself didn't know it. Sunset came the first time on a rainy autumn day. He looked around at his surroundings and found himself to be confused. He was on the pier of a marina looking out at the water beneath him. he had the strange sensation of floating although he could feel the ground beneath him and his arms dangeled over the rail. tHere were very few people around and he was very cold. All he wore was a baggy Black sabbath T-shirt and gray pants too big for him. tHey were cotton. He never wore jeans. In his pockets he felt the pot that he smoked and the red and blue pills that he popped. he didn't use them that often. Only when t hings turned really bad and his depression peaked.  The sunset was  bluish--indigo and sent a chill down his spine. His feet were freezing and it was then that he noticed he was barefoot. he had such small feet and small hands. His drifting gaze caught a young girl dipping her feet in the water. She had light brown hair his lengtyh and wore a peacoat and trousers. her shoes were beside her and she looked nostalgicly out into the water. tHere was some sadness about her Gerard noticed. He wanted to put an arm around her but he remained looking out at the sunset, his arms dangeling over the railing. he felt so strange, almost dizzy  and sad. He had the feeling that he had lost something or forgotten about something. When he tried to remember he coulden't recall anything. Just his name and his age. Gerard, 17. that was all he had. a small gust of wind blew his long hair in his face.  where was he? he heard music playing from somewhere, maybe from someone's car or an open apartment window nearby. "well let's go back to the middle of the day that starts it all. I can't begin to let you know just what I'm feeling." As he looked back at the sunset, it seemed to dive down into the murky water below. and he felt a swaying and a blackness. For now his mind had returned to the hospital room in a pool of blackness.  to be continued.......



is 6 :34 in the morning. im hungry, tired and cold. im wearing my old green army jacket that i used to tote around freshman year. im almost too tired to type. almost. today zacky is coming over. woo-hoo! now to cure the extreme hunger pains in my stomach and to get some last minute sleep............

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    touched touched

still depressed

how are some ppl always happy? i cannot pull that off. its like wer'e in the middle of an earth quake and lets still be happy. my mom's on her deathbed and that smiling person is still happy. its 150 degrees today and ppl are dropping dead and that person is still happy lol. its 11:33 in the afternoon. in my mind 11 is afternoon lol. im going to start my 12th grade year. i had a nightmare about school last night. i had a nightmare that they changed my homeroom *again* to 8 this time and it was all the way in Bradlaw. Which is stupid because that would be in Tirrel. in my nightmare my fiance was in none of my classes and i had this reaalllyy
creepy music as poetry teacher. its july 2nd. ive had enough of summer vacation. i want to go back to school. it wont be so bad this time around b/c i have fun easy classes minus english. i hope the nightmare won't come true. i will cry so hard if it does. it was extremely rough not having zack in any of my classes. god i feel so depressed. grrrrarrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
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    depressed depressed


ive had early signs of serious depression all of my life. the smallest thing can set me into a gloomy state. can bring me to tears. i live very much a fairy tale life. i have a knight in shining armor fiance who rescued me, i have an evil mother and i go to a beautiful high school that i hate. i have night mares about school. theyre weird or twisted or too mundane.
this summer is half a nightmare, im stuck at my mom's house. i see my fiance whenever i can.
the other half of the summer is heaven, in his arms.

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    sad sad

appyling gerard story to my life

I wrote the novel when i was in the 10th grade when i was going th rough  a very peculiar time, and maybe my connection to MCR and Gerard WAy was strongest. while many ppl mostly girls write stories about MCR or Gerard Way its these sappy love stories that really have no meaning.  the story really was about me although my character looked  just  like long haired gerard way. he wasent gerard way...he was gerard robinson a high school junior who was growing up  in the 90's and facing discrimination and serious family issues. he has alot of my traits...wanting to be anywhere but home, being somewhat of a stray cat, hating high school. the character that i made was also alot like my fiance zack. at the time i wrote the story he and i werent together but the next year we got engaged and i realized that subconsciously i had put his personality into gerard robinson as well. this story was the product of my teenage years which were terrible, blissful, lonely, and at the very end rewarding.
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    calm calm